Kenpachi Zaraki's Sworn Revenge
by LUNAticX
Summary: Sequel to When A Midget Gets Drunk. Kenpachi's back and Hitsugaya tries to avoid conflict, but gets dragged into it anyway, once again, drunk. They destroy more than a building this time. Go read the first if you haven't already!


**Part 2 is here! If you haven't read the first one, go read it. You'll understand more that way. **

**I don't own Bleach.**

**Warning: Major crackfic and far more OOC than the first one.**

* * *

><p>It had been three days since the incident.<p>

The Shinigami Women's Association dubbed it the Drunk Midget Rampage. The Shinigami Communications Press titled it as The Massacre of Kenpachi Zaraki. And a little bit under that article heading said: Where has he gone?

Toshiro Hitsugaya put down the ridiculous magazine and swept up his pile of paperwork. They needed to be delivered to the Head Captain today, and nothing was going to stop him. Not even an entire article with him beating Zaraki senseless in it.

He didn't know how someone could have taken that picture.

But he was drunk then, so nothing could be helped.

That's right… He had gotten drunk. It had only been three days. His hangover was gone, but he clearly remembered what happened. He grimaced at the memory. Never in a hundred years would he catch himself swearing, yelling, and beating up a person (much) bigger than himself.

He was never going to do it again. EVER.

As the tiny captain made his way to the First Squad barracks, he caught sight of a pink ball flying at him. He side-stepped easily, and the pink ball barrelled past him and into a wall. Yachiru emerged from the dust, not injured at all.

"Snowball-chan!" She giggled happily and landed on his head.

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes. "Good morning, Lieutenant Kusajishi. How may I help you?"

"It's afternoon, silly!" she said, slapping him on the forehead.

Hitsugaya continued walking, ignoring all the people staring. They could continue doing that for all he cared. For the past few days, news had gotten around about the 10th division captain's exploit. Since then, everybody was afraid of him, keeping their distance.

It's as if they were thinking he would snap any second and throttle them to the stars, like he did with Kenpachi.

Yeah right. He could only do that when he was drunk. Now… He didn't have any power left. The strength all came from the alcohol.

"Could you get off my head, please?" he asked the pink-haired menace.

Yachiru simply laughed. "No, stupid! I want to know when Ken-chan's coming back."

Hitsugaya wondered if he heard right. "I don't think he'll be coming back for a while."

Suddenly, her reiatsu turned dark and ominous. Her eyes were strangely obscured behind shadows, giving her an evil appearance. "I asked you when Ken-chan's coming back."

Giving an indignant yelp, the 10th division captain slapped the girl off his head and ran inside the 1st division compound. He sighed, glad none of his paperwork flew away. Then he started making his way towards Yamamoto's office.

Kenpachi was given a week to return. Half of said week was already over. The giant of a captain should show up soon. If not… Well, there was no way Yachiru was going to be permanently in charged of the 11th division. There's just no way.

She would either blow up the entire 11th division compound, or nuke Seireitei altogether. And then they would have to move over to the next division and stay there and wreak havoc and he would never hear the end of it, and there was just no way was he going to let those barbarians stay at his division.

JUST. NO. WAY.

Arriving at his destination, he greeted Sasakibe at the doors (who seemed rather anxious today for some reason) and was let through. He entered the Head Captain's office and found him sleeping at his desk.

He dumped his paperwork beside the old man and strode out.

Once he was outside again, he was confronted by—surprise!—Yachiru.

"Snowball-chan!" she cried. "Where's—?"

"Don't you have somewhere to be, Yachiru?" Hitsugaya asked with a sigh.

"Yumi-chan is in the library and Baldy-chan is napping and Maki-Maki is nowhere to be found!"

_Maki…Maki?_ "Well, I'm busy today. I can't play with you, sorry."

"But I came over 'cause Ken-chan wanted a rematch with you!"

Hitsugaya, ironically, froze. "What did you say?"

"Ken-chan came back when you were inside with Gramps! He was covered in leaves and was missing his pointy knife! He told me to call you so he could have a rematch. He's waiting for you, Snowball-chan!"

Hitsugaya wondered what Kenpachi's 'rematch' was. For all he knew, it could either be another drinking game or a drunken brawl. Neither sounded particularly appetizing.

But on the other hand, it wasn't the brightest idea to keep Kenpachi Zaraki waiting.

"Snowball-chan is thinking," Yachiru narrated.

"Please stop that," Hitsugaya said.

"Snowball-chan is annoyed."

Hitsugaya tried ignoring her. It was weird she was the one to pop up _here_ of all places.

"Snowball-chan seems confused about something."

He sighed, took out a candy and crammed it in her mouth. Yachiru immediately bit down on the candy. He almost lost his hand in the process.

"Just eat that, will you?" he said distractedly. "I've got an ax-crazy barbarian to avoid."

"Nomnomnomnomnom," Yachiru replied.

Hitsugaya took that chance to make his escape. But not another moment later, he was stopped by a familiar voice.

"Captain! Did you see Captain Zaraki yet? I met up with him earlier. He's been wondering all around the place, and he looks rather dirty. He says he's looking for…you…"

Rangiku Matsumoto stopped. Her captain looked about ready to freeze someone into a popsicle.

"Matsumoto," Hitsugaya said.

"Ah yes?" the busty lieutenant said, still a little bit frightened of her captain. And right now, he looked _terrifying_.

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

She blinked. "Sure?"

"Please distract Zaraki from coming here. I have something very important to do."

"Oh. Okay. What do you need to do, Captain?"

There was a little moment of silence. The wind blew. For some reason, a tumbleweed rolled by.

"Captain?"

More silence.

And then, Toshiro Hitsugaya disappeared.

"What the—?" Rangiku exclaimed, looking around for her captain. "He's gone!"

"Snowball-chan is running away!" Yachiru cheered from nearby, evidently done with her candy. She pranced off. "I'm going to get Ken-chan so I can tell him where Snowball-chan went!"

Rangiku whirled around. "No, no, Yachiru! I don't think Captain would want—" She paused.

If it was _Yachiru _guiding Kenpachi, there was no way the duo was going to find anybody. Yachiru plus Kenpachi equals Horrible Sense of Direction. There was no doubt about it. Rangiku knew Yachiru's stupidity would pay off someday.

"Actually," she corrected herself, "go ahead. Go get Ken-chan!"

"Yay!" Yachiru said, skipping away.

Rangiku watched the little pink-haired Shinigami go. A few seconds later, Yachiru disappeared from her sight completely. She sighed.

Kenpachi was in the opposite direction.

Oh well. It wasn't her right to care. Right now, though, she had to find out where her captain went to.

Wait a minute. Wasn't Kenpachi in the direction her captain shunpo'ed off to?

"Oh no," she said, horrified. "Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Ohnoohnoohnoohnoohno…"

With all the strength she had, she jumped into shunpo, moving as quickly as she could to catch up with her captain. It wouldn't do much good though. Hitsugaya was smaller, and therefore, much faster.

On her chase, she passed by her division and an idea came into her mind. Dropping out of her supersonic speed, she hurried inside the 10th division compound and into the office space where she and her captain both shared.

She went over to his desk and stomped her foot on a certain floorboard.

One of the bookshelves swung open to reveal a secret compartment for sake. She hurried over and took out a bottle and shunpo'ed out of the division, once again hot on her little captain's trails.

When she caught his spiritual signature, she took a dive and dropped down beside him.

He was facing the looming figure of Kenpachi Zaraki.

"You're late, Matsumoto," he said.

"Captain?" she asked.

"I know he doesn't have his Zanpakuto," Hitsugaya continued. "But I'm still screwed."

"You bet your sorry little ass you are!" Kenpachi shouted. "I'm going to give you a little payback for what you did yesterday!"

"It was actually three days ago."

"Whatever!" the giant captain said. "The fact of the matter is, you're going to pay for humiliating me the other night."

"Zaraki," Hitsugaya said instead, "are you still drunk?" He squinted at the 11th division captain.

Suddenly, Yachiru popped up from Kenpachi's shoulder. She was holding a raggedy old sword that looked suspiciously like…

"How did you get here so fast?" Rangiku demanded, eyes bulging.

Yachiru giggled. "Weeellll…I ran that-a-way and found Ken-chan's sword on the ground, so I guessed he'd want it back. I brought it to Ken-chan and he's very happy. Look at him! Isn't he happy?"

Happy as in he's about to murder someone with his returned sword, yeah. Thanks a lot, Yachiru.

"She's an idiot," Hitsugaya said.

"I know!" Rangiku groaned, face palming. "I overestimated her stupidity by thinking it might come in handy, but she's only going to get us killed! But wait, wouldn't that be underestimating her? Whatever—we're still going to die!"

"My eyes are only on the pipsqueak," Kenpachi said.

"That was a little creepy," Hitsugaya commented.

"Captain, it looks like only you are going to get murdered today."

"You, Matsumoto, are a master of deduction."

"Oh, thank you! Anyway, yeah, I wish you the best of luck."

"Wait, wait, Matsumoto—!"

She patted him on the back. "Bye bye!"

And she was gone.

"Good God, help me," Hitsugaya muttered, turning back to Kenpachi, who was sharpening his sword on the ground.

"Any last words, midget?"

"Yeah," the 10th division captain said. He pointed at the scars Kenpachi's sword was making on the ground. "You're going to pay for that, right? Because there's absolutely no way that I'm going to repair that."

"Those are some big words you got there…"

"Not really."

"…but that's not going to save you now."

"If you're going to kill me, get it over with. I don't see why we need to have this conversation."

"You talk big," Kenpachi said, grinning like a maniac. "Can you act like it?"

"I don't see what that has to do with—"

"WE'LL SAVE YOU CAPTAIN HITSUGAYAAAAAAAAA!"

Hitsugaya looked to the heavens. "Why now? Why does it _have_ to be _now_?"

Renji dropped out of the sky, along with Hisagi, Izuru and Matsumoto.

"Great, the idiot gang is here," the captain muttered.

"Please tell me you're not grouping me with them," Kira said.

"I don't know about that," Hitsugaya replied. He pointed to each of them. "Renji's only here because he has the uncanny inability to say no to anything, Hisagi's here because Matsumoto's here, you, Kira, are here because Hisagi's here and I have no idea why Matsumoto's here. Why are you here, Matsumoto?"

His lieutenant blinked. "Why, Captain, I want to help you."

"I seriously doubt that," the captain said before she finished her sentence. "Like how you helped me out last time, right?"

"Captain! I was afraid of you last time. I'm prepared now."

"Sure you are," the prodigy said, turning back to Kenpachi, who had a very strange expression on his scarred face.

"Are you sissies done talking?" the monster of a man rumbled.

"Ready whenever you are," Hitsugaya said with an eyebrow raised.

Kenpachi was rather slow on the uptake.

"I-just-called-you-a-girl," Hitsugaya said slowly, enunciating every individual word.

Kenpachi bellowed a war-cry of some sort—that sounded oddly of a mix between Chewbacca and a dinosaur—and charged forward with his sword raised.

"Oh shit," Hitsugaya said, drawing Hyorinmaru just in time to block.

Yachiru laughed. "Yay, yay! Go Ken-chan and Snowball-chan!"

Meanwhile, Rangiku, Hisagi, Izuru and Renji were lying in a ditch somewhere not far off because they were blown away from Kenpachi's strike. Rangiku climbed out of the hole, holding her bottle of sake in the air.

"What are you going to do that that?" Renji asked, arms hanging out of the ditch.

"I have to get this to my captain."

"Are you crazy?" Kira cried alarmingly. "Do you remember the last time Captain Hitsugaya got drunk?"

"Of course, it was three days ago."

"He totally annihilated the bar! He totalled the _captain of the 11__th__ division_ and scared the hell out of everyone there! I am NOT going through that trauma a second time!"

"Oh calm down," Rangiku said, fanning the air. "There's nothing to worry about! Once Captain gets drunk, he actually has a chance against the ever-present drunk captain of the 11th. Believe me, I know what I'm doing."

"I highly doubt that," Renji said.

"Let's go, everyone! We have Seireitei to save!"

"Why's that?"

"Because the longer they brawl, the more they destroy. DUH."

"That's not going to work either," Hisagi said, coming out of the ditch as well. "If Captain Hitsugaya suddenly gains some Deus Ex Machina, plus add Captain Zaraki to that, you're going to get an ultra powerful nuke personified!"

"What's a nuke?" Renji asked, tilting his head to the side. Rangiku and Kira mirrored his actions.

Hisagi followed right after. "Honestly, I don't know. It just sounded appropriate."

"It is scary-sounding," Kira admitted.

"Don't be such a wimp!" Rangiku said. "Let's just get this sake to Captain so he can get drunk and beat down Zaraki."

The Idiot Gang headed off, tracing both Hitsugaya's and Zaraki's massive Spiritual Pressures.

Back at the war zone, the two respective captains faced off against each other. The battle was intense. There were fires burning everywhere—even if one of the battlers was an ice-user and the other one could _cut a fire in half_.

So far, Kenpachi had the upper hand.

"What the hell is this!" the captain shouted, bashing his sword against Hitsugaya's. "The hell is this? I remember you being tougher than that! Maybe your sword really is a no-good hunk of ice!"

"I was drunk then!" Hitsugaya yelled back. "Get your act together and realize what you're doing here!"

Kenpachi just laughed. "Let's see if you can best me again, midget!"

_He did not just go there again,_ Hitsugaya thought, as he was thrown aside by Kenpachi's retaliation.

He flew through the air and landed in something surprisingly soft.

_The hell?_

"Captain…" There was a muffled sound coming from under him. "Captain, I got you now. Now please get off. I have something for you."

"Rangiku…?" he said, looking down and found himself sitting atop his lieutenant.

He quickly got off of her and spotted a ceramic bottle in her hand. He sighed.

"So you promised to help me with this and look what you're doing now—drinking and lying around, being lazy. Why do I ever put any trust in you, Matsumoto? Tsk, tsk. Now if you don't have anything else to say, I have my funeral to attend."

"Captain!" Rangiku hissed urgently. She waved her bottle of sake. "This is for you! Take it!"

"Why?" he asked, seriously not getting this. "If I can't harm Zaraki, how should a measly bottle of alcohol affect him? Actually"—he was getting off-topic now—"you'd make him more drunk than he is and he'll continue to fight. If you really think about it, Zaraki would be a better fighter if he was actually sober for once. Hmm…"

"CAPTAIN!" Rangiku yelled into his ear. "Focus, please! You know, for a genius, you're awfully stupid sometimes."

"Thanks…?" he said, still not getting this.

She shoved the sake towards him. "Take this and drink it."

"Why," he said.

"Because I say so."

"Aren't I the captain h—?"

Rangiku took the sake and crammed it into her captain's mouth, making him drink it all down.

Hitsugaya wrenched the bottle away, gagging while trying not to throw up. "The hell was that for, Matsumoto?"

Rangiku smiled. "Perfect. Now go get 'im, Captain. Show him who's boss."

"The fuck you tal—?"

But she was gone in a flash.

"Once again, I'm alone," he muttered, turning just in time to come face to face with the blade of Kenpachi Zaraki.

He blocked it with a hand.

"The hell you want?" he demanded, annoyed beyond reason.

Kenpachi knit his non-existent eyebrows together. He backed off, jumping a good distance away.

"Get off, Yachiru," he told his lieutenant, who was still on his back.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because it's 'bout to get ugly."

"Okay!" the girl said cheerfully, and bounced off Kenpachi's back.

The captain turned back to the now-drunk midget before him. "So I see you've got your groove back."

"Shut the fuck up," Hitsugaya shot back. "Your face pisses me off."

"Heh." Kenpachi smirked, lunging forward again with his sword pointed directly at Hitsugaya's head.

The young prodigy, however, ducked with impossible speed and kicked Zaraki in the face. Kenpachi sailed through the air and pierced through one of the columns Soul Society conveniently had for large-scale battles of epic proportions.

Kenpachi emerged from the wreckage—that Soul Society now needs to pay for and seems to pay for every time something gets wrecked no matter how expensive it is—and now sported a light wound on his temple.

"Take that, bastard," Hitsugaya growled under his breath, ready for another round.

Zaraki gripped his sword and raised his reiatsu. It reached such a high level that his eye-patch even came off and went on to destroy the buildings surrounding him.

Then he disappeared from Hitsugaya's sight…

…and emerged right behind him.

He barely managed to block that one hit, and it even forced him to block it with his sword.

"We're even now," Kenpachi said, grinning like a maniac that he was.

Hitsugaya clenched his teeth with the effort of fending off the attack. "You go die in a hole. Again."

Kenpachi swung his sword at the child's head. "What was that, pipsqueak?"

Hitsugaya smirked devilishly. "So you're still deaf and dumb. You're already dead, idiot. Secondly, yeah—I just said you died in a hole while you were still alive."

"You LITTLE BASTARD!" Zaraki shouted, genuinely angry.

This anger caused his attack to be fiercer and even managed to nick Hitsugaya's shoulder before the kid dodged it.

Hitsugaya landed a few metres away, checking his wound. It was bleeding, even if not by much.

"Son of a bitch," he said, freezing the wound closed with Hyorinmaru's power.

"You like that, midget?" Kenpachi said. "That's what you get! I told you I'd defeat you this time, didn't I?"

Hitsugaya fell into an eerie silence, eyes obscured behind shadows.

The wind blew.

Leaves swirled.

Smoke hurled across the screen.

Why? Because it looked cool.

Really. Just imagine it.

Then Hitsugaya raised his head. His eyes were rather dull. When he spoke, his tone of voice was nothing BUT terrifying, "Do you remember what I told you the other day, before you got massacred in front of your division members?"

"Eh?" was all Kenpachi could say, because he wasn't the brightest needle in the haystack.

Actually, being smart has nothing to do with needles in haystacks. I don't know how that metaphor can make sense…

But anyway.

That was all he could say.

"I told you specifically what I would do if you ever said it again…and I showed you, didn't I?" Hitsugaya's expressionless face now morphed into one of pure sadism. "I bet it hurt like hell."

"What the fuck you talking about, midget?"

"THERE IT IS AGAIN!" the small captain nearly shouted. "WHY MUST I TELL YOU THIS EVERYTIME AND END UP SHOWING YOU ANYWAY? WHY? YOU TELL ME WHY!"

"I have no idea what you're t—"

"'CAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD, THAT'S WHY!"

Kenpachi nearly flinched at the ferocity of his opponent's octave.

"Let me show you what happens," Hitsugaya said, voice low, "when you call me short."

Let's cut the scene here, because it's going to get really, REALLY ugly. But let's pan back to Rangiku and the others, shall we?

While Hitsugaya and Zaraki battled their complexes out, the Idiot Gang had done something actually smart and ran to get help from the most powerful person in Soul Society—the Head Captain Yamamoto.

Of course, they were once again thrown at another wall in their mission.

The Head Captain was still taking his nappy-time.

"You can't go in there!" Sasakibe kept trying to say, blocking the doorway to Yamamoto's office.

"Why not!" Rangiku demanded.

"If you wake the captain up, he's going to release Ryujin Jakka and that'll be the end of the afterlife as we know it!"

"That's not as bad as what's going on outside! Do you even see the destruction my captain and Captain Zaraki are causing? That's worse than the Head Captain's Zanpakuto."

"My captain's delusional if you wake him up from his nap! I tell you—you mustn't go in there!"

"Would you rather be burnt to death or have one drunk kid and another huge monster of a man kill you?"

"Actually, that one is rather…"

"LET ME IN!"

"NO! COME BACK ANOTHER TIME!"

"I suggest you open the door," Byakuya said, popping up of nowhere. "_Now_."

Sasakibe's eyes widened. "Yes sir," he said in a squeaky voice and opened the door.

The nobleman strolled through, followed by the Idiot Gang and some other captains that saw the chaos Hitsugaya and Zaraki were making, and deciding to see the Head Captain as well.

Some of these captains included Soi Fon (Who could really care less, but her division got hit by one of Kenpachi's swings), Ukitake (He didn't like seeing his little Shiro-chan so violent!), Unohana (Who is most likely there in case anyone got hurt or killed), and Kyoraku (Who was only there because he wanted some other dish on Hitsugaya; he never does anything anyway). And Byakuya's just there because he hated Kenpachi. That's really it.

"Good grief, Yama-Jii sure enjoys his naps," Shunsui said.

"Yes," Ukitake agreed. "I bet we could calm the two youngsters down without his help. Why are we here?"

"Toshiro Hitsugaya and Kenpachi Zaraki are disrupting the peace in Soul Society," Byakuya simply said. "We must put an end to it."

"That doesn't really answer my que—"

"Does it really matter?" Soi Fon said. She poked Yamamoto in his bald head. "Can we just wake him up now?"

Renji backed off, holding his hands up. "I'm not doing it."

"Me neither," Kira said, cowering behind Hisagi.

"I'm not touching him," Rangiku said, unable to hide the disgust on her face.

Heads turned in her direction.

Awkward silence followed right after.

"You are fortunate he is not awake," Byakuya said.

"Just wake him up," Unohana said divinely, smiling. "I'll be here to stop him if he does get act up."

Suddenly, everyone felt reassured.

"Alright," Rangiku said. "On the count of three, we all shout 'Yama-Jii'."

Everybody nodded at this. Byakuya gave one sharp jerk of his head.

Rangiku gulped. "Okay. One…two…three!

"YAMA-JII!"

The Head Captain snorted and turned his head away, but he did not wake.

"Fail," Renji said.

"What now?" Ukitake asked. "Do we do it again?"

"No," Byakuya said, drawing his sword. "We simply do this the most effective way."

"And what way would that be?" Rangiku asked, subconsciously backing away.

"I suggest you all hide someplace," the noble said, holding his blade vertically in front of his face.

"Oh shit," Renji said, scrambling far, far away. "He's going to do it. He's really going to do it!"

"Let us go," Unohana said, and Kyoraku, Ukitake and Soi Fon all nodded in agreement.

They were gone in a quick succession of shunpo.

"We should go!" Rangiku said urgently, pushing Kira and Hisagi out of the Head Captain's office door.

It shut with a BANG!

Byakuya was the only one in the room now, with Senbonzakura poised in its Shikai activation state.

Soutaicho was never going to see this coming.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

The world flipped over in a swirl of pink.

* * *

><p>Kisuke Urahara and Isshin Kurosaki were running an errand to Soul Society—without Ichigo's knowledge of course. He wasn't to know about their plan to bring his Shinigami powers back just yet.<p>

Along the way, they met up with Shihoin Yoruichi, who seemed rather shell-shocked. Which wasn't like her.

"Yoruichi-san!" Kisuke said. "Whatever is the matter?"

"Everything is the matter," she said with obviousness. "Soul Society is about to get destroyed."

Isshin and Kisuke looked at her funny.

"What?" she said. "It is. I was just coming over to greet you guys when I saw Byakuya's Senbonzakura get activated. Now, he wouldn't do such a thing if it wasn't necessary."

"Yes," Isshin said. "He's always valued peace."

"He's changed," Urahara said with a twinkle in his eye.

"Anyway," Yoruichi said, "I think everything's like this way because Zaraki and Hitsugaya are battling things out. Which is why I'm saying Soul Society is in danger! You two have to come and help me."

Urahara rubbed his chin. "Zaraki, eh?"

Isshin did the same thing. "'Lil Shiro-chan, too?"

"Why would they do that?"

Yoruichi's face went completely vacant. "One of them is drunk."

"Which one?" Kisuke asked.

"Well," Isshin guessed, "since they are still going head-to-head, that means Zaraki isn't the one who's drunk. So that just leaves…"

Their eyes widened.

"Oh shit. We gotta get there—quickly!"

The three ex-captains shunpo'ed off in haste. While they were getting to the battlefield, they wondered how in the world this was happening—besides the author making it happen, of course. ;)

"This should never, ever happen," Yoruichi said.

Isshin's face was covered with worry lines.

"What's wrong with you?" Kisuke asked.

"Have you ever seen Hitsugaya drunk?" the man asked his friend.

Kisuke shook his head. "No. Why?"

"Well, I have," Isshin said. "And it's not pretty."

"How did that happen?"

"Back then, Shiro-chan was still young and naïve. He had a horrid temper. So naturally, when he gets drunk, he's more violent and aggressive than he is right now. I accidentally got him drunk one time and he blew up the entire dining hall plus a good section of the Shinigami Academy."

"But he's more powerful now, you know."

"That's why I'm afraid. He's more than just stronger and destructive. He's just plain psychotic."

"Really?"

"You'll see."

"Whatever the case," Yoruichi said. "Him—on Zaraki's level—_plus _Zaraki may have been able to hold off Aizen for a good half hour. That's how powerful those two are right now."

As they continued forward, they met up with the other group of Shinigami—consisting of the Idiot Gang, the Too Stoic To Care Group, and the Should Be Retired Already Team.

"You named yourselves?" Isshin asked.

"We thought naming us individually was too tiring," Kyoraku said.

"Oh," the man nodded. "So you're just okay with breaking the fourth wall?"

The 8th division captain waved his hand. "Kurosaki-san, we've done that loads of times before. Now that the fourth wall has been broken, we can keep doing it with no problems."

"You do realize that breaking the fourth wall is what caused Hitsugaya to go on a rampage against Zaraki, right?"

"Yes."

Isshin shrugged. "Okay. Let's get going then."

Together, the now-large group made their way towards the combatants, who were still facing off for no particular reason now.

They just seemed to like insulting each other.

"What the hell's up with your hairstyle?" Hitsugaya shouted at Kenpachi. "Did you let Yumichika style it?"

Kenpachi swung his sword at him. "Fuck you, you damned midget! I wouldn't let that pansy style anything for me!"

Back at the 11th division compound, Yumichika sneezed.

"Are you sure it's okay to insult your subordinate like that?" Hitsugaya said, sending a partially iced dragon at Kenpachi, but the dragon simply spattered against his head, drenching him from head to toe.

"Dammit!" the huge captain cursed, lifting his free-dripping hair away from his face.

His hairstyle was ruined! His bells were gone! His usual awesome spikiness was completely destroyed! He was going to spend four more hours doing it! —!

"YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!" he bellowed at Hitsugaya, charging forward.

"Bakudo #81," the small captain recited, crossing his arms, "Danku."

Kenpachi kept running (because he was stupid), and slammed right into the Kido barrier, sliding down the side as if he's just collided with a windshield.

Well, he technically was, except it would have felt like running into a steel-enforced concrete wall.

Hitsugaya laughed. "You look like an idiot. How did that feel, exactly?"

Zaraki mumbled something, but it was intelligible.

"Man, you look wasted!"

There was an angry muffled yell.

Hitsugaya smiled. "UMADBRO?"

Kenpachi started spazzing.

"I win, asshole," Hitsugaya said. He waved his hand and the Kido barrier disappeared. "I didn't even need my sword to beat you. What a waste."

"…How did he get from calm, collected captain of the 10th division," Ukitake said from a distance, "to this?" He waved at—well, everything.

"I sort of died when he laughed," Rangiku replied. "He _never_ laughs."

"That is serious," Yamamoto said.

"I told you, didn't I?"

The Head Captain bent down to examine a broken wall. "Hmm…That would cost a lot of Yen to rebuild. Now, if we deduct that from the buildings that need to be repaired, and all the medical supplies that need to come in…"

"He's totally not worried about what he should be worried about, is he?" Rangiku asked the group.

"Apparently not," Byakuya replied.

"We need to stop those two," Isshin said.

"What do you mean?" Yoruichi asked.

"I mean," the man began, "Shiro-chan is at his worst when he's hung-over, not when he's drunk."

"But nothing happened last time he was hung-over," Rangiku said.

Isshin turned sharply to the woman. He shook her shoulders. "You mean he was drunk before?"

"Yeah, like, three days ago."

Isshin's jaw hit the floor. "What! What happened last time!"

"Nothing. He just went on a rampage, kicked Captain Zaraki all the way to the mountains, and went home and slept."

"Really? That's it?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Isshin sighed. "Okay, that's good then. He was asleep when he was hung-over."

"What? Does bad stuff happen when he's awake?"

Isshin gave her a look so angst-y, it was painful to watch. "You have no idea."

Then they heard an inhuman yell come from the battle site. All heads turned in that direction.

Zaraki had Hitsugaya pinned against the wall, both their swords drawn.

"IS THAT IT?" the barbarian demanded. "IS THAT ALL YOU CAN DO? YOU SAID YOU'D SHOW ME WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I CALL YOU A PIPSQUEAK, AND THIS IS ALL YOU CAN MANAGE?"

Hitsugaya's face turned vacant. He kicked Kenpachi in the sensitive area. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT CALLING ME SHORT!"

Zaraki recovered from his fit of pain and straightened. "THAT YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF SECRETIVE INFERIROR COMPLEX!"

"ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN, YOU BIG GORILLA?"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"

"A BIG GORILLA, YOU MINDFUCKED PIECE OF SHIT!"

"YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!"

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!"

"Where the hell did he learn to swear like that?" Renji asked.

The senior captains' heads turned to Isshin.

"What?" Isshin said, eyes darting from side to side. "You mean Zaraki?"

"Yeah," Renji said with plain sarcasm, "that's what I'm talking about."

Byakuya drew his sword and held it at Isshin's throat. "Spill. _Now_."

"You've always known how to throw around your authority, Bya-chan," Isshin said, smiling like his life depended on it. Which he did.

Senbonzakura dug deeper into his skin.

"Alright, alright!" he shrieked. "I'll tell you!"

The sword was lowered, but not by much.

"It was when Shiro-chan was a new recruit at the division, and—"

"Oh, he was your subordinate," Yoruichi said. "Everything makes sense now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Isshin demanded, clearly insulted.

"What Yoruichi-sama _means_," Soi Fon said, "is that children learn from their elders."

"And what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Apparently, Shiro-chan followed Isshin around while learning to be a lieutenant and he picked up a few things," Urahara explained for everybody, fanning his face with a fan he'd taken out of _nowhere_.

There were collective "Ohhhh"s of realization.

Sensing something incoming, the group jumped away together as Kenpachi came flying at them, impacting the ground where they stood on before.

"That was close," Ukitake commented.

Kenpachi had dug himself a deep hole.

Hitsugaya landed beside it. He leaned in to see his opponent, but was met with a sword point instead. It grazed his arm, and he once again froze his wound with Hyorinmaru's power.

Zaraki jumped out of his metaphorically-called grave. "Hey, shouldn't your dumb hunk of ice be against your actions right now?"

Hitsugaya blinked. "Huh? Oh. Him. Yeah. I guess, but I really can't hear him right now, so he must be drunk too. Which reminds me…"

Kenpachi cocked his head to the side, anticipating the younger Shinigami's actions.

But Hitsugaya simply smiled. "Would you like to see what happens when we go Bankai?"

Kenpachi took a step back, but took one forward. He WASN'T scared of this pipsqueak. He WASN'T. It COULDN'T be possible. His division members were going to laugh at him if this got out.

Hitsugaya tapped his sword against his shoulder. "So…thinking of your last words?"

The 11th division captain looked up. "_No_." Sort of. "Just giving you a chance to think up yours."

A vein throbbed in the small captain's temple. "Oh yeah. I've got last words, all right."

Kenpachi smirked. "And they are…?"

Hitsugaya swished his sword and took his stance.

Kenpachi had a really bad feeling about this.

"_**BANKAI**_."

"He did not just say that," Isshin said, watching the ice-cold reiatsu swirl around the boy.

"I think he did," Rangiku said as a matter-of-factly.

"Zaraki's screwed," Kyoraku said.

Isshin nodded. "Big time."

Urahara smiled. "Why is that? Do you know something else?"

Isshin shook his head. "No. I don't know what his Bankai looks like when he's drunk."

"Oh, that's really bad," Rangiku said, chewing on her manicured fingernails.

The reiatsu cloud cleared, and Toshiro Hitsugaya stood there, with his sword pointed at Kenpachi's face.

His Bankai looked the same as ever. Ice wings, ice tail, ice feet and hands, those lotus flowers at the back… Well, all except—

"The ice is RED!" Hisagi exclaimed.

"You're right," Renji said, pupils dilated.

"Hm…" Urahara said thoughtfully. "It seems his Bankai's ice isn't blue anymore, but red. That is bad news indeed."

"Couldn't that be classified as a new Bankai form?" Ukitake asked.

"It is possible," Yamamoto said. "However, it's unlikely it's unlocked due to drunkenness."

"…What if it is possible?" Yoruichi said. "Since his battle prowess is so strong, couldn't his mental state be as well? That could mean he can only unlock his power's true potential when he's drunk."

"So that's Daiguren Hyorinmaru II right there," Kyoraku said.

"Yes."

"I say we run away right now."

"WHAT?" Rangiku cried. "We can't just leave my captain there, like that!"

"I don't think we should just run away," Ukitake said, slapping his friend upside the head.

"I agree," Unohana said, stepping up from behind them. This whole time, she hadn't spoken or even given her input.

"What are you going to do?" Byakuya asked.

The woman simply smiled at him. It was one of her bone-chilling smiles—one that was hidden behind a mask of kindness, but was venomous deep down. "Trust me, Kuchiki-san. I've got this handled."

Byakuya swallowed. "Y-yes. Of course."

Beware her smiles. _ESPECIALLY NUMBER 3_.

"Alright, let's go," Isshin said, shunpo'ing away.

Everyone followed right after.

The battle field now only had Unohana, Hitsugaya and Zaraki.

She approached them.

Hitsugaya was ready to Ryusenka Kenpachi's miserable remains.

"Stop, you two," she commanded sweetly. "That's enough."

"HE INSULTED MY MOTHER!" Kenpachi yelled, pointing at Hitsugaya. "THAT KIND OF INSULT SHOULDN'T GO UNNOTICED!"

"ARE YOU STUPID?" Hitsugaya yelled. He paused. "Wait, that was a dumb question. OF COURSE YOU ARE! IF YOU WEREN'T SO WRONG IN THE HEAD, YOU'D REALIZE YOU DON'T _HAVE_ A MOTHER!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU WHITE-HAIRED BEANSPROUT?"

"HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO FREAKIN' SAY THAT? IT'S LIKE YOU WANT PEOPLE TO THINK YOU'RE DEAF. LIKE HOLY SHIT!"

"YOUR SHIT'S HOLY!"

Silence.

"Dude, that made no sense."

"I'm sorry, I ran out of insults."

"Well, IT DOESN'T MATTER!" Hitsugaya said, slipping into yelling mode once again.

"IT DOES TO ME!" He turned to Unohana the same time Hitsugaya did.

"TELL HIM HE'S WRONG!" they said together. They looked at eachother, and then went back to yelling, "NO! _HE'S _WRONG!" Another look. "I'M NOT WRONG! _YOU_ ARE!" They turned to each other. "STOP COPYING ME! NO, YOU! SHUT UP! STOP COPYING ALREADY! WHY DON'T YOU? GET A LIFE! **I SAID STOP IT!**"

Unohana resisted the urge to face palm. "Please, children," she said. "Stop this. You're hurting everyone around you."

"HE STARTED IT!" Kenpachi said, pointing at Hitsugaya accusingly.

"NO, YOU FUCKING DID! STOP BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING!"

Unohana went over and karate-chopped Hitsugaya on the head.

"OW!" the boy said, collapsing to his knees and clutching his scalp.

Kenpachi laughed at him. "Serves you right!"

Hitsugaya looked up. "Why did you do that for?"

"Please do not use such distasteful language," Unohana said, smiling kindly at him.

"S-sorry," Hitsugaya said, averting her gaze. It was so…so creepy!

"And you," the woman continued, turning to Kenpachi, "you need to stop your violent behaviour. Your mother wouldn't like that if she saw you like this, right?"

Zaraki didn't really have a mother, but he was delusional right now, so he wouldn't even know the difference between a chair and a tree.

He hung his head in shame. "No. I guess she wouldn't."

"Exactly," Unohana nodded, smiling still. "You see? It wasn't so hard to stop this pointless fight, right? Now, you two, say sorry to each other."

Kenpachi waited patiently for Hitsugaya.

"What?" the boy asked. "You want _me_ to go first?"

"Well, it's only fair if you did."

"But I didn't cause this! YOU did!"

"BLAMIN' ME AGAIN, ARE YOU, PIPSQUEAK?"

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO BLOODY SAY THIS? **I. AM. NOT. SHORT!**"

"YOU WANNA GO AGAIN? HUH? HUH?"

"BRING IT ON!"

"Children," Unohana said in a deadly low tone, "I said stop, didn't I?"

Both captains stopped fighting. They stared apprehensively at Unohana, wondering what she was going to do.

"You're both grounded," she said. "No more drawing your swords against eachother for a month. Don't even SEE each other. STAY in your respective divisions. Hitsugaya, no more over-powered Bankai for you." She turned to Zaraki and tapped her chin. "No more bells for you. I'm confiscating them."

Kenpachi dropped to his knees, wailing, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" for five straight minutes.

MAN, he's got some lung power!

Hitsugaya shook his head at him, deactivating his Bankai. "He's such a baby sometimes. Jeez."

Not a second later, he collapsed like a board, knocked out by his drunkenness.

Unohana smiled.

_Mission accomplished_.

* * *

><p><strong>Yes, Unohana is the mother of all. She's just plain awesome. <strong>

**Yes, I made up Hitsugaya's Bankai II. The ice is red because it's drawn from his own blood, which is kinda creepy but makes the story more interesting.**

**Yes, that is why Kenpachi's hairstyle is the way it is now. At least, I THINK so. It would be really cool of it happened that way.**

**Thanks for reading! Remember to review! I'll get started on the last piece of the trilogy as soon as I can. **


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